Wednesday, 21 February 2018

The anger within. A revelation.


Something happened to me this morning.
I believe that we all carry inside us an angry alter ego.
I see it as a remnant of some primitive gene we all carry around like an invisible bomb just waiting in there for something to detonate it.
This morning, mine made an appearance and in all honesty I struggled to keep the bastard leashed.
What this means is that I haven't been dealing with the small things, I've been suppressing them and pushing them away.
There was no one reason for his appearance this morning, he came calling at a moment when I was least equipped to deal with him. He's very skilled at hiding there waiting until I'm tired and have a lot on my mind. He recognises when it's the best time for him to spring forward and try to take over the controls.

This morning, he almost got control, which in reality means that I almost lost control.
That's a really scary thing when it happens and if we don't know how to leash this inner asshole things can go pear shaped pretty quickly.
When this asshole within makes an appearance I've learned over the years a few strategies which for me is pretty much anything physical, on my own. Today it was breaking down cardboard boxes and loading the trailer with the rubbish from our recent deck demolition and once I got to the zone today the mist cleared a bit and I started drifting back in time.

A memory from my childhood smacked me in the face.
As a young kid I had a reputation as being short tempered (A trait that followed me into adulthood) and my brothers used to goad me into losing control and flipping my shit, thinking it was a hell of a joke.
The memory that came back to me was of a strategy I developed as a child to regain control and snap myself back to reality whenever I was close to the edge and thinking about it now it's a bit weird.

As a child, when I felt myself losing control I would bite my left forearm as hard as I could until the pain brought me back to reality.
Thank fuck I didn't carry that strategy into adulthood!

In adulthood, for the most part I have been able to keep this inner asshole on a leash.
Yes, he tries to take control sometimes but I am now equipped with different strategies to keep him firmly leashed.
Without going into all the detail, during my adult life I have attended two different courses about learning to keep my anger under control, both times under court order.
Anger management. Living without violence. call it what you will, I've done it twice.
In all honesty, at the time I didn't feel I needed to attend either of the courses I attended and a part of me still thinks that way.
Neither of the courses really taught me anything and while I recall attending, I don't recall anything that was said.
I probably wasn't listening.

Anger is a natural emotion, we all have it. We all feel it.
The things that trigger it are different for us all. Learning what those triggers are is the first step.

The important thing is how we direct it when it arrives, which of course is the most difficult thing to figure out.
It shouldn't be suppressed, that only only feeds it and gives it strength, it has to manifest itself somehow.
Learning to allow it to manifest itself in a positive form is the key.
Nobody can be taught that, we need to figure out for ourselves what works and what doesn't.

Note to self:
Deal with the small stuff as it arrives and deprive the inner asshole of his sustenance.
Starve the motherfucker.